


... to care is to?

by AbAbsurdo



Series: Short unconnected one shots [5]
Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Character Study, Established Relationship, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Tenderness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-13 08:07:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29025459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbAbsurdo/pseuds/AbAbsurdo
Summary: Thomas contemplates the place of care in his life.
Relationships: Thomas Barrow/Richard Ellis
Series: Short unconnected one shots [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1858300
Comments: 11
Kudos: 32





	... to care is to?

_It's strange_ , Thomas thinks, pulling Richard's warm body close to him. 

Where was he all this time? When Thomas was looking for something and couldn't reach it, always slipping through his fingers, finding himself falling deeper and deeper into darkness. Even since he was very young.

Where was he?

He and Richard are so different. And so alike. Thomas watches the other man as he sleeps in his arms, he pushes strands of hair off his temple, the back of his fingers caress gently Richard's forehead, down his cheekbone. Thomas doesn't want to wake him up. This here is peace. He doesn't want to lose that. 

Richard may very well be the best thing, the best human he ever had in his life. And even that is not good enough to describe what Richard is. 

Being the best thing in Thomas' life doesn't begin to describe how good Richard is. It demotes him. Because being the best person in Thomas' life doesn't mean much. With whom is he getting compared to be better than? It certainly wasn't all their fault and, as Thomas twirls a strand of Richard's hair around his finger he, now in the warmth he shares with his lover, is willing to accept his own errors. Getting involved with the wrong people is the error that keeps replaying inside his head. Choosing the wrong people to trust, to love. To care for. Whom does Richard have to compete against? The people Thomas trusted. Richard would be the best person in someone who has been loved a lot in life. Who has been well sated by love and affection. Richard could still be the best in thatr man's life.

Thomas smiles, his thumb running circles in the skin underneath Richard's ear. 

He can't help but wonder who is the best in Richard's life? Is it him, or is it someone from his past? Will it be someone from his future?

_It's you_ , he tells himself. He and Richard are so alike despite their differences. Richard takes care of him so well. 

Until Richard, Thomas had tried, had tried so hard to take care of the people he loved. He tried taking care of Phillip. He tried taking care of Jimmy. He failed miserably. 

And then most of his taking care of others was professional. His line of work meant taking care of those who paid him to take care of them, dress and undress them, serve their meals, be there at their best and at their worst. And be paid for all that, but not be real, breathing person with wants and needs of their own, not getting the care back. 

He remembers the war, the blood, carrying and caring for wounded who couldn’t take care of themselves. The difference between offering assistance to someone who can’t take care of himself and buttoning up his Lordship’s shirt is vast and unquestionable. In his late thirties, Thomas knows the first was better than the latter. 

It was impersonal and clinical. Still not reciprocated. 

Still not the same as taking care of someone he loves. 

What's better than dressing and undressing a lover?

What's worse than dressing and undressing a socially superior?

When does one act get muddled by the other?

Thomas is certain at some point, sometime after Phillip and Pamuk, he got lost in it. It was too much to think about it when no one was there to take care of him. He remembers how much he wanted to take care of Jimmy, To the bitter end, he wanted to take care of him, even when there was no reciprocation from Jimmy. He’d have kept taking care of him had Jimmy stayed at Downton Abbey, even at the expense of his happiness. 

Thomas likes taking care of those he loves, and doesn’t particularly enjoy, not now at least, the artificial closeness between employer and servant. It confused his mind for a very long time, it provided him with the notion he had to give and give and take nothing in return in personal affairs. Not being taken care in return.

Thomas has had fleeting moments of care given to him, Anna's hand on his shoulder, words of supposed understanding -as if Anna could understand Thomas- Mrs. Hughes' arm around him, but by then he had no idea if it was because they thought he deserved it or them being them, kindly-hearted. He had been warped by pain and betrayals, blind by them, ready to attack those who had what he didn’t.

And it was not the care he yearned for.

He works his hand down on Richard’s neck and collarbone, feeling the blood and life inside the other man as his chest slowly rises and falls, mouth open and _he wants_. He wants so much to be the best in Richard’s life. He craves for it.

He recalls that night when everything was almost destroyed by sheer stupidity. He vividly remembers Richard waiting for him outside the police station, he can imagine him waiting for him outside the Turton’s. His hand rests on top of Richard’s chest where his heart lies. His own heart swells with love and affection and warmth for the man in his arms, and the pleasant encompassing feeling of an almost stranger taking care of him. For the first time ever, a man, a stranger from the Royal Household was a step away from harming his own tranquility for a virtual stranger he had met two days earlier. 

And Thomas was being taken care of. 

  
  


A hand resting on top of his, Richard’s warmth seeping from below and above Thomas’.”What are you thinking?” Richard’s drawl is richer when he’s half asleep, the most welcome sound.

“How beautiful you are.” _How you showed me I deserved to take care of myself._

“Mr. Barrow, are you flirting with me?”

“Your fever has broken.”

“It wasn’t high to begin with. I was just tired. And I had the best person to nurse me back to health.”

Thomas feels the words bubbling up his mouth. _Am I?_ He wants to ask, but it’s pitiful. No more than some other deeds of the past. He’s not in the past now. He doesn’t have to be like this, questioning his place in Richard’s life.

He knows where that place is. He knew it the moment a gloved finger touched his lips, he knew it with the weight of a key ring on his palm. He knew it from late night telephones and letters. 

Richard takes Thomas' hand and brings it to his mouth, kissing the palm. “What’s the problem, love?”

“No problem. I was just thinking.”

“That you shouldn’t get to bed in your shirtsleeves? Thomas looks down on his clothes, having forgotten what he was wearing. He didn’t want to leave Richard alone and he had laid on the bed with him, wrapping his arms around him. “Have you eaten anything?” Richard asks, his hand wrapped gently around Thomas, his eyes clear and questioning. 

“No, I was worried.” 

  
  


“I was only tired. No need for worry.” 

  
  


“I always worry.”

Richard beams up at him. “I brought a package with me. Ma’s food. I’ll get up, clean up and eat a bit.” He gazed up at Thomas. “Right?”

“Right.” 

“And you are alright?” Richard asks again. 

“Yes,”

“Thomas?”

“Yes.”

“My hand?”

“Let’s stay here for now. We’ll get up in a while,” he slips his fingers through Richard’s and sets their hands on Richard’s chest. 

“OK.” Richard settles down and turns his head to kiss Thomas’ clothed collar bone. “Whatever you want.”

  
  
  
  



End file.
